#RTT Lima, What if...

HEYOO i'm back. it's 11.43 p.m right now, and you know what is mean right?

Yup Overthinking Time!! YEAYY!!

Before it, i want to tell something THAT is not important af. I had another blog for release all my problems and feeling. I have no idea why i put this shit on my main blog, but i did'nt have any post here from past January, and i think its ok to share this shit over here. Besides, today story isn't too deep hehe.

It's more like questions to my own self. Why I am like this? Why I lost interest on anything? really? why?

I tried not to blame anyone for all the thing that happened to me. For all the trauma and lesson I got. 

But why? why I can't be the same as the old me? 

Why I'm too afraid to back doing what I did? 

I am so awake and understand that is everything may not be the same as before. 

So, why I am not trying to do what I did before? maybe the result will be different right?

I just don't understand with my self. that's all. 

I kept wondering, what if that shit didn't happened to me? do I will be stand here right now and be as me rn? still I become like this? do I still alive? 

hahaha, talking about alive, I just can't describe that I still alive, I think im already died.

Covid-19 hit me really hard. I can't remember any memories on 2020. Everything felt the same, I mean, I forgot that I had past 2020. It feels like accidentally my memories stop recorded in the end of 2019, and then I slept over 2020 and now I wake up on 2021, got new job and new responsibility.

I even got feels like I'm not graduated yet. I am still student and I miss Malang so much. 

WHAT IS THIS?!

after typed Malang, I just realize, Malang is the place that hurt me the most. Why I miss the city which hurt me and got me changed like this? even it's not literally the City, but the people there hehehe. 

Did I just said that I am the victim from other people? hell No. 

I'm not the victim of my Hurt. It's all my responsibility, it's all my choice. 

Do you see that? It's so hard for me. Because I always know, It's all my responsibility. I can't blame anyone and I can't blame my self too. So what should I do to cure my trauma?

People say, HEYY getting busy will make you forget about anything. Yes I aggree. But just for a While. Your deep heart still not healed yet. You just run.

I dont know, it will always be my Mystery. 

But overall, my existence still had meaning right? hahahaha

But then again, after all, the good thing is Allah so kind to me. Thank God.

Good night.